Chronology of Events

1791: The first ten amendments to the U.S. Constitution, known as the The Bill of Rights, are passed, introducing such then (and apparently still) controversial ideas as free speech and due process.

1867: Karl Marx authors Das Kapital.

c. 1930: Al Gore invents the Internet.

2002: A mysterious tax is levied against the students of OSU known as the “Engineering Resource Fee.” It turns out that this money is being converted to large currency, shredded, and used as filler in the foundation of the new engineering building.

c. 2003: Egay’s poster wins first prize.

September 2003: Co-president Sean’s “reign of inadequacy” begins. Despite his best efforts, Co-president Jim is unable to stop the meritocracy, and retires from politics after the next election cycle. Sean’s actions will damage class relations for the next 20 years.

March 2004: Free elections are once again held. The people put an end to Sean’s tyranny by handing him one of the worst political defeats in modern history.

May 2004: The Department kicks themselves squa’ in the nuts by ordering nearly $4000 of t-shirts which not only rip off a previous design, but damage relations with other colleges at OSU by using derogatory language to describe them.

May 2004: Alex seizes the opportunity to order the production of a competitive t-shirt. He uses advanced market techniques to determine that people want a t-shirt that “doesn’t suck.” He also employs the high level math learned at his time in the COB to calculate that ordering slightly less than $4000 worth might be a good idea.

May 2004: The Seniors are once again disrespected as Co-president Sean not only refuses to print the senior quotes, but does not to even tell anyone this before the completion of The Reactor.

May 2004: The Reactor is completed. And it licks. Even a short article by Wyatt is not enough to save it.

June 2004: A mysterious political figure known only as “The Shiv” begins to gain prominence within the Department.

June 2^nd, 2004: Thad declares a jihad on a chair.

09:00, June 4^th, 2004: Das Reaktör is printed. (The people rejoice.)

11:00, June 4^th, 2004: Das Reaktör is mistaken for a serious publication by some people in the COE. Apparently, the interview with a Klingon ambassador and articles by inanimate objects employed by major publications didn’t tip them off. That’s right folks; we’re actually paying these people.

13:00, June 4^th, 2004: Invoking emergency powers and using a dark army comprised of freedom-hating fascisti, KJW stages a bloodless coup, declaring himself dean-for-life. He dissolves the ASOSU Senate, suspends the U.S. Constitution and declares a new era for the COE.

13:15, June 4^th, 2004: Alex’s printing ability is cock-blocked. This marks the fasted time in recorded history that the COE has ever done anything.

14:30, June 4^th, 2004: Kevin’s Fortress of Squalitude is attacked with a stapler.

17:30, June 4^th, 2004: It is revealed that the privacy rights of all students are non-existent. Big Brother is indeed watching.

18:00-?, June 4th 2004: Fueled by ethanol, Alex garners support for a revolution by setting an all-time record for most high-fives by a Caucasian male in a single afternoon, as well as the most left-handed handshake conversions.

18:30, June 4^th, 2004: The Seniors defeat the World in softball, as Karl Malone foretold.

18:45, June 4^th, 2004: Inspired by the revolution, Justin sets off across Highway 34 on a midnight ride to warn the people, not unlike Paul Revere.

(Time unknown), June 4^th, 2004: Alex arrives at Justin’s house, only to find Justin unconscious, tipped ass-backward in his chair in a pile of vomit. Clearly, he was the victim of an attack by agents of the COE.

June 5^th, 2004: Alex goes to work to pay for the printing privileges that he no longer has.

June 5^th, 2004: Alex invokes the aid of the Justice League (AKA the Office of Legal Advocacy).

June 6^th, 2004: The COE annexes the Department. Token resistance is offered, but the takeover is quite swift. Only the SHZA refuses to submit and establishes a perimeter on the first floor.

June 6^th, 2004: The Detroit Piston defeat the L.A. Lakers 87-75 in Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Karl Malone puts up an impressive 4 points in only 44 minutes.

08:30, June 7^th, 2004: A small group of students are called in to be verbally harassed and vaguely threatened. Apparently, the COE has intimidated most of the Department faculty using Gestapo tactics. The meeting itself requires Morgan to get up at 7:30 AM, in clear violation of the Geneva Convention.

11:00, June 7^th, 2004: Das Retraktiön is printed. (No sarcasm is detected.)

June 8^th, 2004: Dean Roy I is returned to power after it is revealed that KJW is a douche. Defeated, but vowing revenge, KJW is forced to return to his lair at the center of the Earth. (The people win, one to nothing.)

To order the now famous t-shirt, go to www.zazzle.com and search for “OSU ChE.”